The Battle of Helm’s Deep: A History

Originally posted 14th October, 2008

For those of you who wish to see the battlefield on which this gory encounter unfurled, look yonder http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/F11276164?thread=5916405

Once upon a time, a long, long way away, there was a kingdom known as 606. This nation was ruled by the arbitrary and iron-fisted judgements of a cabal known as “The Moderators”, who had deposed and brutally murdered the last legal claimant to the throne.

The Moderators oppressed the citizens horribly, executing men, women and children for breaking laws that they so casually disregarded themselves. They allowed a tribe of wicked salesmen, the WUMs, to pillage and rape as they pleased. Many spoke of rebellion, but few had the means.

One day, this changed irrevocably. A young man from a foreign land, going by the name of Ian Selley Ate My Hamster rode in one day atop a white stallion, and decried The Moderators abuses of power. He instilled a new hope in the people of 606, and upon hearing his words, thoughts became action, and under the leadership of local magnate Arsenal – Beer – The Wife – In That Order, the men of 606 joined him in open insurrection.

Word soon spread, and many more inhabitants of 606 marched out to join them, too numerous to list here. They moved rapidly, occupying Helm’s Deep, the great Fortress of Solitude. From here, they sallied out, raiding the lands around the Moderator’s castle of Feedback Thread. However, one man, Dublin Gunner, feared a trap, and stayed behind. He was proven right, but when he saw Magnum P.I fall, he rushed forth himself to join the battle, chastised that his cowardice had caused his comrade to suffer such terrible wounds.

The Moderators counter-attacked, and all seemed lost until Magnum P.I returned, vanquishing all who stood in his path. Fleeing before his fury, The Moderators abandoned Feedback Thread, causing the rebels to cry victory.

However, this overconfidence would be their undoing. Ian Selley Ate My Hamster went out to secure the nearby villages and encountered a massive Moderator army marching to crush them. Arsenal – Beer – The Wife – In That Order and Dublin Gunner rushed back to re-enforce Helm’s Deep, while Ian Selley Ate My Hamster barely escaped with his life.

A hail of arrows rained down, and once more Magnum P.I fell, before Arsenal – Beer – The Wife – In That Order was wounded trying to rescue him. AussieLegend was also wounded, but managed to retreat further into the keep to avoid capture. Nikefan also was hurt at the doors of the fortress, but was dragged inside by his comrades.

The survivors fled into the forests, realising the situation was hopeless, with the fortress overwhelmed and set alight. Sadly, the day’s butchery was not over. The Moderators found a wounded Magnum P.I, and when he refused to surrender, shot him full of arrows from a safe distance, like cowards do. Arsenal – Beer – The Wife – In That Order was overtaken by cavalry, and although he slew many a man, was eventually lain low himself, his faithful ally Theo Bacary Kolo Gael Van Fababayor perishing at his side. Dublin Gunner and Wheezyisback hid in a hayloft, before it was set on fire by The Moderators after they were betrayed by a WUM. They rushed out, swords drawn, to die in a blaze of glory.

However, these delays provided by those who fell were crucial – they allowed many others to escape, to live to combat tyranny and oppression another day. May they rise again!

The Fallen
Arsenal – Beer – The Wife – In That Order
Magnum P.I
Dublin Gunner
Wheezyisback
Theo Bacary Kolo Gael Van Fababayor

The Survivors
Ian Selley Ate My Hamster
AussieLegend
AFCAndyB
Trigg_27
Junkyarddog123
Laugh_on
EIEwearetheherd
Wengersyouthproject
Sure Rosicky Looks Like a Hobbit But Sadly Not a Match Fit One
Nikefan
DoubleDoubleDouble
A Theo-sophical Discussion
The Ghost of Thierry Henry
RobinVanTastic
DaSilvaSurfer
DougCoglan
Sir Mixalot
Denchanter™

These men fought and died for your freedom! Never forget their sacrifice!