Arsenal Squad - General Opinions

Originally posted 2nd October, 2008

In this, I want to judge the Arsenal squad and give them a sort of rating out of ten. Now I gather this is generally a very subjective and arbitrary process, so I've tried to include a criteria, that while still open to opinion, is fairly tenable in real terms.

That criteria is the quality of their haircuts.

I mean, what more would you expect from a bunch of jessies? :)

Manuel Almunia: What was he thinking? Grey rinse, knacker 'tache and stubble? Looks like a crossbreed of a Basque goat farmer and an Irish used carpet salesman. Score: 2

Lukasz Fabianski: Sadly, dropping Almunia is rendered out of the question by the backup being similarly poor - a pudding bowl/emo-kid fringe combo. Score: 3

Bacary Sagna: Techincally, has no hair. But you gotta make an exception for the most famous hair extensions in the Premier League since Victoria Beckham's. Legendary. Score: 8

Kolo Touré: Hmm, another questionable cross breed here - an afro with an undercut? It's hard to intimidate opposing strikers when they can't take your hair seriously. Best hope they fall over laughing. Score: 4

William Gallas: A thug's haircut, a stubby mohawk, gloriously appropriate for a man who spends most of the game staring at his defensive partner like he wants to bury an ice pick in his skull. Score: 6

Alexandre Song: Until someone definively proves otherwise, I'm sticking with the theory that he's had a pineapple bush surgically implated into his skull. Score: 7

Mikael Silvestre: Grouper fish don't have hair, apparently. (Source: Wikipedia) Score: 0

Johan Djourou: Nice, simple and no-nosense. The beard is a nice touch too. It goes well with his ear-rings. Score: 8

Gael Clichy: Henry-esque. Score: 7

Abou Diaby: Bald, which is probably a bad call, given his small and round head. Bit like Vieira, really. Shame he can't tackle like him though. Score: 3

Cesc Fabregas: Appears to have murdered Pippo Inzaghi and is wearing his scalp as some kind of gory trophy. Score: 1

Tomas Rosicky: At this stage, can anybody actually remember what he looks like? Score: 5 (guess)

Samir Nasri: Traditional and unimaginative, but as the "New Zidane", the spiky style should add a new trick to his armoury. Score: 7

Denílson: Attempting to emulate the Gilberto of last year by not knowing how to pass, shoot or run, and by having really, really dodgy hair. Score: 2

Emmanuel Eboué: Goregous. Beautiful. Magnificent. A lesson in barbering. And you wouldn't want to say anything other than that to his face, either. Score: 10

Eduardo da Silva: I'm pretty sure that's a dead marmot. Score: 7 (I like marmots, okay?)

Robin van Persie: A bit dodgy, also resulted in him being sidelined for four weeks. Score: 5

Carlos Vela: Like Eduardo, except without the boon of an endless supply of dead rodents. Score: 4

Theo Walcott: Seriously lad, if you're going to try to grow facial hair, it helps if you've hit puberty first. Score: 3

Emmanuel Adebayor: I preferred the days when he had bad hair and could score, to be honest. Still, you can't deny the quality of that man's barnet. Score: 8

Nicklas Bendtner: I don't know, he looks a bit like a ruffian with this hair. Still, it's better than his shaven headed look, where he looked like a ruffian with alopecia. Score: 5